A connection of choice

The psychological break-up of humans is too complex even for a variety of labels being attributed to a single individual. Our beings are composed of not only our circumstances but also the choices that we have made through these circumstances. When judging another, a simple background survey is drastically inadequate. By judging, I do not imply any moral connotation of good or bad, right or wrong. It is an amoral analysis of another personality in relation to your own. It is the groundwork to understanding a relationship.

So labeling is inadequate when dealing with people... especially those who have grown beyond conformism. Each human being is a unique entity. I make this statement even for the mobs. Every single person in a flock who draws his or her sense of security and belonging from that group has been subject to subtly or substantially different circumstances compared to the others and made some unique choices along the way as well. What defines him or her is not only the actions but also the reasons behind those actions.

So, am I suggesting that every human being deserves equal consideration owing to the uniqueness inherent in them? No.

I believe in connections, relationships that bloom from commonalities in fundamental feelings, beliefs, personality traits and actions. Though trying to give form to any "criteria" is not as esoteric as one would think, going by these beliefs (only) would be too dogmatic and superficial an approach to discovering the depths inherent in human behavior.

Self-love in the prime determinant of a holistic interactive process. If one is indulging in a relationship for reasons such as altruism, insecurity, domination or subversion, it will inevitably lead to a dependency syndrome where the people involved are drawing upon the strengths (or weaknesses) of each other.

Before relating to another human being, it is important to understand yourself and love who you are. It is critical to be honest with yourself about your intentions and feelings (whatever they may be).

One might think that this closes doors to that seemingly abstract concept of love. How can one be an egocentric and love another person at the same time. This will be crystal clear, if you understand the reason for loving another. We love another not for their weaknesses but their virtues, never with sympathy only with respect and understanding. Love is amongst equals in spirit. Anything else is a compromise.

Comfort in one's nakedness is another factor that determines the efficacy of a connection. When there need to be no facades and no inhibitions to a free flow of interaction, we have a true bond. "You" and "I" will never become "Us" if we aren't acquainted and comfortable with the nakedness of our beings, every virtue and every flaw.

This is when silences become blissful and not a burden. This is when a smile means more than a word. This is when a glance is enough to express an emotion.

Man is a social animal they say... Man is a dew drop I say, that requires a leaf to condense upon. Connections are not a compulsion. The dew drop always existed as vapors but could only take shape on the leaf. There are some things we learn about ourselves only in the presence of another who understands.

Unconditional love

Initially this word didn’t mean much to me. However, there are simply so many ways to look at it. The ambiguity in this topic gives it an almost mystical effect!

One way would be to contemplate over the ubiquitous mother and child relationship, unconditional in the true sense of the word. What distresses me in this case, however, is that it doesn’t matter WHO the child is. She would love him or her anyway. That makes the human being substitutable and the title of child being his or her only claim necessary to earn the mothers love.

However, unconditional emotional is a frame of mind. Unconditional bliss, for example, would be a bliss that transcends circumstances. It would be a natural state of mind similar to nirvana. One would feel bliss doing anything his or her soul heads towards.

In the 1st case, the folly was connecting the emotion to a specific person. We could, as an alternative, detach the person and simply focus on the emotion to describe the existence of an unconditional element of feeling. We could feel unconditional love not necessarily for a person in particular but towards nothing and everything. That is the only justifiable existence of this phenomenon.

Love for a particular person must necessarily take into consideration the person involved. We love someone for their virtues. It’s a unique individual we fall in love with, not a substitutable object like an empty desk in an MNC.

That particular love will never die. It remains as a part of our beings as we explore different facets of this magnificent emotion.

Metamorphosis

As the day of my departure draws closer, I've started realising how much I love this city. They've been the most fruitful years of my life, the seven years I've spent here.

Thinking back to where it all began... Before Bombay, life at Pune was quite calm and unflustered (now that i think back). A failure who thought he wouldn't be anything else in his life being transformed to a performer setting new records for himself on a daily basis was only the first personal transformation I witnessed in this city. For most of these 7 years, I haven't looked back and now that I do peek into my past, I feel a tremendous amount of happiness in the present. A satisfaction that helps me face the shadows of the future.

From a boy who was so uncomfortable with the torrent of adolescent whims, there emerged a feeling of pride in existence and after a journey of love, hate, anger, anguish, desperation and bliss, came the knowledge of the stuff I am made up of.

There have been numerous people who have flowed in and cascaded out of my life. So far, none have stayed forever. With the transformation in me, there was a transformation in every one of my relationships. Love, family & friendship didn't hold the same meaning for me any more. However, each of these people have left an indelible to my life. Each and every one of them helped me learn and grow. Some more than the rest.

However, I often felt those all-invasive feeling of loneliness. I learnt how important it was to share and how difficult.

Now that the moment of departure draws closer, I feel the strain wrenching at my very soul. Another phase of my life that I'll be leaving behind walking into the darkness of the future, into another metamorphosis, with nothing but my own vision.

Dysfunctional relationships

The course of our lives are governed through the choices we make. When a relationship erodes from our being we are confronted with some choices. We must choose to either attempt improving it or sever the ties.

This fundamental works in every relationship from one of conjugal love to friendship. What when one is dealing with dysfunctional blood relations. The choices are still the same, however tougher to implement.

We are often confronted with sour relations which we, nevertheless, want to keep because we feel mutual love still exists. I've often wondered about the love inherent in a blood relation. Most often what matters here is inevitably the relation itself and not the person involved and that is the root of the problem.

A mother, for instance, will love her daughter named Divya. What matters here is the daughter and not the person, Divya. The same holds true vice versa. Both the people are substitutable in this relationship.

It doesn't really matter WHO the daughter or mother is as long as the title of 'daughter' and 'mother' are held by two individuals.

One effective method, in my opinion, to mend a dysfunctional relationship is recognising the person behind the title. Thinking in terms of WHO is involved. This way, there is more mutual respect in the relationship. This is an essential prerequisite to a bond. I'm saying this assuming that both parties feel that the relationship is dysfunctional and want to improve it!

Defining life

A critical part of communication is defining the terms we employ through our language. What often happens is that we communicate expecting others to understand us and are left perplexed when they don't. The reason is usually our different interpretations of the ideas and terms we use.

Building relationships would involve defining life together. Agreeing on definitions after true and clear discussion leads to a great amount of fluidity in interaction, understanding and growth.

This holds true especially for the overused lingo in the world today. Let me take, for example, the phrase, "I love you". Now let's isolate the word 'love'. We commonly use this term for other phrases like, "I love my dog", "I love Metallica", "I love extra cheese on my pizza" and so on. So what the hell do I mean when I say that I love you?!

We need to be so much more specific and elaborate (and creative) in our communication to get our point across the way we feel it (that's assuming that we really feel it).